I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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