I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
