I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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