So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
