I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Is it because I queefed?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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