I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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