Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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