His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
