I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
