The maid of honor just puked.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
