I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
