Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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