i just wanna soil my oats bro
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
