I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
