So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
