The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
