She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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