Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
