The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
