I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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