Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We don't watch enough power rangers
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
