He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
