I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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