I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I know her cup size but not her name....
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
