Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
