I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
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