his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
We got so high we made milksteak
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
