Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
