you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
