My sheets look like a crime scene.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
