capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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