The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
