I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just found puke in my bra..
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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