Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
