I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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