my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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