theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
