What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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