thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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