highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
