she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She made me pour olive oil on her.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
