think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
