if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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