Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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