He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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