If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
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My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
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I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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