Already got asked if we're dating
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
