My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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