I accidentally had phone sex last night
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
