Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
