Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
