plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
