I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
