She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
