Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
