I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
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If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
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My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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