I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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