if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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